World of Psychology
Do You Know Thyself? Questions to Ask Yourself
But it’s very hard to know ourselves. It’s easy to be distracted by the way we wish we were, or think we ought to be, or what others think we should be, until we lose sight of what is actually true. There’s a certain sadness to self-knowledge.
As Christopher Alexander observed:
It is hard, so terribly hard, to please yourself. Far from being the easy thing that it sounds like, it is almost the hardest thing in the world, because we are not always comfortable with that true self that lies deep within us.
Here is a list of questions meant to help you think about yourself, your daily habits, your nature, and your interests.
There are no right or wrong answers; they’re fodder for reflection.
If something is forbidden, do you want it less or more?
Is there an area of your life where you feel out of control? Especially in control?
If you unexpectedly had a completely free afternoon, what would you do with that time?
Are you comfortable or uncomfortable in a disorderly environment?
How much time do you spend looking for things you can’t find?
Are you motivated by competition?
Fill in the blank: “I really wish I could make consistent progress on my project to _______.”
Do you find it easier to do things for other people than to do things for yourself?
Whom do you envy? Why?
What do you lie about? For instance, a friend told me he’d been telling people that he walked to work, when in fact he almost never does.
What did you do for fun when you were ten years old? Do you still do that activity–or would you like to do it?
Do you work constantly? or think you should be working?
Do you embrace rules or flout rules?
Do you keep New Year’s resolutions?
Do you work well under pressure? Deadlines?
What would your perfect day look like?
How much TV do you watch in a week (and yes, this includes computer time spent watching videos, movies, YouTube)?
Are you a morning person or a night person?
What’s more satisfying to you: saving time or saving money?
Do you like to be in the spotlight?
Is your life “on hold” in any aspect? Until you finish your thesis, get married, lose weight, move?
What would you do if you had more energy?
If you suddenly had an extra room in your house, what would you do with it?
What people and activities energize you? Make you feel depleted? For instance, as an under-buyer, I very much dislike shopping.
Is it hard for you to get rid of things that you no longer need or want?
On a typical night, what time do you go to bed? How many hours of sleep do you get?
If at the end of the year, you had accomplished one thing, what is the one accomplishment that would make the biggest difference to your happiness?
Is there an activity that you love to do–yet somehow never seem actually to do it?
The process of answering these questions is meant to help spur ideas for possible change. I often find that once I start paying attention to an area of my life, it becomes natural and easy to make helpful alterations in my everyday habits.
Here’s a final question for you: What questions would you add to this list, to help other people know themselves better? It’s so important, and so elusive.
The Origins of Anxiety
Today’s panic disorder might’ve prevented our ancestors from venturing to potentially dangerous places, far away from their families and tribes.
Today’s social anxiety might’ve maintained social hierarchies and peace in primitive times.
Today’s obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) might’ve helped our ancestors keep tidy and safe nests.
In part one of his book, Kahn delves into the social instincts that underlie these five disorders: panic disorder, social anxiety, OCD, atypical depression and melancholic depression. In part two he delves into the advancement of civilization and the rise of reason (which explains why we’re not shackled to our social instincts, running amok; we’re able to override these cues).
Angst may be the result of a tug-of-war between our primal social instincts and our modern-day rational, civilized selves. According to Kahn:
Amazingly, those instinctive biological sensations that told our primeval ancestors how to comport themselves in society can today turn up as conscious emotional pain. So when you feel the pain of angst, you are actually feeling the unrecognized call of ancient social instincts. These days we don’t obey these painful instincts blindly. They become especially unpleasant when they conflict with our rational choices — that is, when we experience them as anxiety and depressive disorders. So, in our modern context, these social instincts can become so intense that they backfire, certainly not providing just the socially adaptive benefits that evolution had in mind.
In Angst Kahn draws from the work of Charles Darwin and Sigmund Freud along with scientific studies and theories from fields such as psychology and evolutionary biology.
Here’s a closer look at ancient instincts and two disorders: social anxiety and OCD.
Social Anxiety Disorder
People with social anxiety fear embarrassment, especially when they’re being observed. Their anxiety might heighten during speaking events, work evaluations and social situations. They might worry about everything from their appearance to their performance. They’re also self-critical.
For our ancestors, however, social anxiety might’ve been beneficial. It might’ve kept them from challenging “a ruthless hierarchy,” Kahn writes. “Our ancestors wouldn’t want to find themselves beaten down, or thrown out of the tribe – another way they’d be on their own and exposed to all sorts of dangers.”
Kahn speculates that our ancestors had a biologically based social hierarchy. Today, our society has a clear-cut structure. (Work is a good example of a hierarchy, with managers, bosses and higher-ups.) But our ancestors did not. Having a biologically determined hierarchy kept our ancestors in line and tempered competition.
“Social Anxiety today may reflect the biology of low social rank. Indeed, people with Social Anxiety may think or act as if they have a lower ranking in the hierarchy, not to mention having more submissive behavior and less closeness among their peers, friends and romantic partners.”
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
In ancient societies OCD-like traits would’ve been helpful for survival and keeping a sanitary, safe home. As Kahn writes:
The evolutionary advantage of OCD is that you don’t forget some very necessary concerns and tasks. Our ancestors wouldn’t want to find themselves living in filth (though since they didn’t know about germs, they weren’t actually germaphobes), unable to find or protect their homes, left without food or tools in an emergency, or stealing each other’s food or spouses. The instincts behind OCD help to prevent those problems.
Long ago, they also might’ve helped mothers protect their young and ensure their survival. According to Kahn, today, many women who have postpartum OCD struggle with “cleanliness and arranging behaviors, and [with] controlling harmful thoughts about the newborn.”
This is similar to what happens with other mammals. “They clean up the newborns and the afterbirth and they keep the nest tidy.” Their instincts also are to protect their kin from predators and invaders.
For some species, these predators might even include family and other adults in the same group. “Having aggressive thoughts already in mind makes for a quicker defense,” Kahn writes.
Whatever the origins, one thing is clear: These disorders disrupt the daily lives of many individuals. Social anxiety affects about seven percent of the population, and OCD affects about one to two percent.
Both disorders are debilitating. Kahn notes that, on average, people with OCD spend almost six hours a day preoccupied with their obsessive thoughts and almost five hours with compulsive behaviors. People with social anxiety disorder have lower levels of career success and may have fewer friendships.
Fortunately, both disorders — along with the other illnesses Kahn writes about — are highly treatable with psychotherapy and medication. (This website is a valuable resource for postpartum illnesses.) In other words, if you’re struggling with anxiety or depression, you can get better. The key is to get help.
5 Simple Words that Could Ruin Your Relationship
Words are powerful. They can cut you, heal you, inspire you, and stop you from certain actions. Learning the language of a strong, healthy relationship or marriage takes time and diligence, but saying some words regularly may cause irreparable damage.
Here are five words that are destined to cause damage to your relationship or marriage.
1. “Never.”
“Never” implies a sense of hopelessness and finality. When you use “never,” you’re telling your spouse that they are no good, will never be any good and that there’s no hope for change. It’s an all-or-nothing phrase that does not lend itself to listening, compromising and creating good will.
2. ”Always.”
“Always” implies a sense of rigidity and righteousness. When you use “always,” you’re telling your spouse that they are wrong, you are right, and that there’s nothing that can be done about it. It’s also an all-or-nothing phrase, and it does not lend itself to understanding, learning, or healing.
3. ”But.”
“But” implies a sense of manipulation and a lack of integrity. When you use “but,” you negate whatever was said before. It invalidates your message and turns a positive statement into a negative one. It’s a conjunction that does not lend itself to building trust, credibility and intimacy. Similar words to avoid include “however” and “although.”
4. ”*#%&.”
Use your imagination and fill in the blanks and what you’re left with is a vulgar, obscenity-laced attack. Any way you look at it, attacking your spouse by name-calling will cause irreparable damage. Doing this regularly will surely destroy your spouse’s soul and kill the marriage. Outright contempt has no place in a marriage.
5. ”Divorce” or “Breakup.”
Threatening to divorce or break-up, suggesting divorce as an option, or accusing your spouse of destroying the marriage will lead to just that. A divorce is a very serious decision, and using it as a weapon or method of control creates anxiety and despair. It’s not conducive for effective communication, conflict resolution, problem solving, or intimacy.
Take the time to think about the impact of your words before you speak to your spouse. Consider what you want to create with the communication. Create a powerful and loving intention rather than one that is meant to hurt, control, scare or push away the person youlove.
Find words that are conducive to creating intimacy. These might include phrases like, “I notice that when I [blank], you react by [blank]. When you do [blank], I feel [blank]. It would mean a lot to me if you would [blank], because when you do, I feel [blank].” And: “I want our marriage to feel good to both of us. How can we approach things in a way that makes us both feel heard, appreciated, accepted, and loved?”
Learning new ways of communicating and relating to each other is not easy. Couples get trapped into certain ways of relating that have been established early on in the relationship.
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